Dear Ana,
Another day of self-hatred, another day of crying myself silly over skinny, beautiful girls.
The day went relatively okay. My mom and I went to the pet store to get Hermit Crab supplies and books. We also went to Best Buy where I bought A Flair For The Dramatic and Let's Cheers To This and fangirled with the checkout girl over how amazing those bands were.
We got home and I shaved my legs and all that jazz seeming how I'm going to an amusement park Tuesday. It was good until 9 PM, when I made a box of Spongebob Mac n Cheese and ate All.Of.It. I feel sick; like I should throw it all back up. Plus I didn't take my walk today so I feel like such a failure. Tomorrow, no excuses, I'm waking up at 8 and walking to the library. I'll bring money and water with me and I'll just spend the day there reading, doing crafts, playing on the xbox, etc. I'll work on my entry for the book reading contest. See, it's all perfect. Think about how much smarter I'll be by reading all of those books and biographies! Andd, I'll be too preoccupied to eat. Killing two birds with one stone.
I should get sleepy so that I can wake up and walk.
Wishes For The Better,
Holly
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
SONG OF THE DAY
I've decided to start doing a "Song Of The Day". I believe you can learn a lot about people through their music so I thought this would help you guys to get to know me a little more.
SONG FOR A DAY:
SONG FOR A DAY:
A Match Into Water - Pierce The Veil
Diary Entry #6
Dear Ana,
My parents are at a local festival and I am sitting by myself at home snackin' on some watermelon. I know I already ate today but I turned down ice cream cake and took a 4 mile walk to I think I deserve it.
I walked to the festival myself actually (trying to get over the whole anxiety thing). However, once I got there, I saw a herd of preps. I can safely say that I turned the opposite direction and called my mom to pick me up (seeming how it got dark out and I'm a teenage girl so ya).
I got my school registration shit today in the mail. I gagged and about threw up. God, I hate school.
Well, I gotta find the remote because Catfish just got over and this new show is stupid.
Stay Lovely,
Holly
My parents are at a local festival and I am sitting by myself at home snackin' on some watermelon. I know I already ate today but I turned down ice cream cake and took a 4 mile walk to I think I deserve it.
I walked to the festival myself actually (trying to get over the whole anxiety thing). However, once I got there, I saw a herd of preps. I can safely say that I turned the opposite direction and called my mom to pick me up (seeming how it got dark out and I'm a teenage girl so ya).
I got my school registration shit today in the mail. I gagged and about threw up. God, I hate school.
Well, I gotta find the remote because Catfish just got over and this new show is stupid.
Stay Lovely,
Holly
Diary Entry #5
Dear Ana,
I had a dream about my crush last night I guess I really do miss him (my school crush not Jake). I'll take a walk by his house today for closure I guess.
Today is my brother's 16th birthday. Even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm proud of him. I love my brother and I hope these next 3 years of high school will be smooth sailing for him. And I pray to the Lord above that he doesn't decide to join the Army. I'm not discriminating against the Army but he feels as though that's the only thing for him because people have told him countless times that he's not smart enough for anything else. Bullshit. I feel as if I'm the only one who talks to him about other options that he can do and what he actually wants to do after high school. I hope he goes with our options instead my fathers.
Yesterday I walked about 3 miles to my cousins house and I woke up this morning burnt to a crisp. Damn my Irish genes haha.
Well, my mac n cheese isn't going to cook itself (and don't worry it's just an illusion so my mom doesn't question if I haven't been eating).
Until Tonight,
Holly :)
I had a dream about my crush last night I guess I really do miss him (my school crush not Jake). I'll take a walk by his house today for closure I guess.
Today is my brother's 16th birthday. Even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm proud of him. I love my brother and I hope these next 3 years of high school will be smooth sailing for him. And I pray to the Lord above that he doesn't decide to join the Army. I'm not discriminating against the Army but he feels as though that's the only thing for him because people have told him countless times that he's not smart enough for anything else. Bullshit. I feel as if I'm the only one who talks to him about other options that he can do and what he actually wants to do after high school. I hope he goes with our options instead my fathers.
Yesterday I walked about 3 miles to my cousins house and I woke up this morning burnt to a crisp. Damn my Irish genes haha.
Well, my mac n cheese isn't going to cook itself (and don't worry it's just an illusion so my mom doesn't question if I haven't been eating).
Until Tonight,
Holly :)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Diary Entry #4
Dear Ana,
I think my best friends are finally getting sick of me like the last ones...they always do. Pretty soon Lola will run with a different crowd, Sasha and Liz will leave me out, Lexy will move, Paige will get older and me...I'll be stuck in my same pathetic little retinue. I'm so sorry I'm not good enough - I never am. I'm always used, played, having my love stolen and used greedily. Maybe it's best so that way if I kill myself less people will hurt.
Ana, I'm crying while writing this. I'm just so tired of this shit. I can feel them getting sick of me. The way their laughs aren't as real at my jokes, the more silences between us, the less texts... It's happening again and I don't think my heart can take it this time.
I just want one person who can stand me. Who will love me. Who will laugh at my stupid little puns in an awkward situation. Who will watch Spongebob with me and take random walks at 10 at night. Who listens to PTV and Mayday Parade as religiously as I do...
I walked for about 3 hours today so hopefully...
-Holly
I think my best friends are finally getting sick of me like the last ones...they always do. Pretty soon Lola will run with a different crowd, Sasha and Liz will leave me out, Lexy will move, Paige will get older and me...I'll be stuck in my same pathetic little retinue. I'm so sorry I'm not good enough - I never am. I'm always used, played, having my love stolen and used greedily. Maybe it's best so that way if I kill myself less people will hurt.
Ana, I'm crying while writing this. I'm just so tired of this shit. I can feel them getting sick of me. The way their laughs aren't as real at my jokes, the more silences between us, the less texts... It's happening again and I don't think my heart can take it this time.
I just want one person who can stand me. Who will love me. Who will laugh at my stupid little puns in an awkward situation. Who will watch Spongebob with me and take random walks at 10 at night. Who listens to PTV and Mayday Parade as religiously as I do...
I walked for about 3 hours today so hopefully...
-Holly
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
YOU KNOW MY TUMBLR CRUSH JAKE RIGHT? WELL I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS BUT AS I WAS CASUALLY SCROLLING THROUGH HIS ARCHIVE I STUMBLED ACROSS THIS POST:
"The person I reblogged this from is beautiful"
AND I WAS LIKE "OH I REBLOGGED THIS A WHILE BACK I WONDER WHO HE REBLOGGED THIS FROM" AND HE REBLOGGED IT FROM ME HE FUCKING REBLOGGED IT FROM ME
I'M UGLY CRYING RIGHT OMFG
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
"The person I reblogged this from is beautiful"
AND I WAS LIKE "OH I REBLOGGED THIS A WHILE BACK I WONDER WHO HE REBLOGGED THIS FROM" AND HE REBLOGGED IT FROM ME HE FUCKING REBLOGGED IT FROM ME
I'M UGLY CRYING RIGHT OMFG
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
Diary Entry #3
Dear Ana,
I did bad eating wise today. I had some eggs and went biking for a while (which probably burned off all of the eggs) but then I came home and my parents decided that we should all go out to eat. My God, it was disgusting, sitting in that restaurant and pretending to be interested in the food. My parents order fried pretzels with fatty cheese as an appetizer and I about threw up. They began questioning why I didn't want any of the pretzels. I panicked and said I felt sick from the bike ride because I rode in the heat, vigorously, without water. They believed me but just to play it safe I ate about 1/4 of my meal I ordered.
All in all, I probably ate about 800 calories today. Tomorrow I'm walking about 2 miles to my cousins house to make a video (she wants to be a director when she grows up and guess who gets to be her actress?) I'll be careful this time and drink plenty of water so I won't binge on animal crackers like I did tonight.
Also, my mom said she's going to pick up my refill of my anti-depressants tomorrow. She's been giving me some of hers but I hide them in my jewelry box and say I take them. I know, I know, they're supposed to make me better! But I feel so fucking crazy when I take them and if I do, I'm afraid you'll go away Ana. You're going to make me better...you're going to make boys love me.
Speaking of boys I found this really amazing one on Tumblr. His name is Jake and he's completely gorgeous! He has the prettiest eyes and does the cutest faces. My friend, Lola, likes him because he smokes (go figure that's the only reason why she likes him). He likes the same bands as me and he's just so AH! However, he has crushes on other beautiful, awesome people and he can't necessarily date. I'm trying to get over him because I know it'll never happen but damn.
I feel as though I always end up falling in love with guys and letting them go. It's the best for them though...who would want me as their girlfriend? I'm fat, have the ugliest feet, the most horrific laugh and don't forget my face. I'm too bashful and quiet as well. God, I'm such a failure.
Until Later,
Holly :/
I did bad eating wise today. I had some eggs and went biking for a while (which probably burned off all of the eggs) but then I came home and my parents decided that we should all go out to eat. My God, it was disgusting, sitting in that restaurant and pretending to be interested in the food. My parents order fried pretzels with fatty cheese as an appetizer and I about threw up. They began questioning why I didn't want any of the pretzels. I panicked and said I felt sick from the bike ride because I rode in the heat, vigorously, without water. They believed me but just to play it safe I ate about 1/4 of my meal I ordered.
All in all, I probably ate about 800 calories today. Tomorrow I'm walking about 2 miles to my cousins house to make a video (she wants to be a director when she grows up and guess who gets to be her actress?) I'll be careful this time and drink plenty of water so I won't binge on animal crackers like I did tonight.
Also, my mom said she's going to pick up my refill of my anti-depressants tomorrow. She's been giving me some of hers but I hide them in my jewelry box and say I take them. I know, I know, they're supposed to make me better! But I feel so fucking crazy when I take them and if I do, I'm afraid you'll go away Ana. You're going to make me better...you're going to make boys love me.
Speaking of boys I found this really amazing one on Tumblr. His name is Jake and he's completely gorgeous! He has the prettiest eyes and does the cutest faces. My friend, Lola, likes him because he smokes (go figure that's the only reason why she likes him). He likes the same bands as me and he's just so AH! However, he has crushes on other beautiful, awesome people and he can't necessarily date. I'm trying to get over him because I know it'll never happen but damn.
I feel as though I always end up falling in love with guys and letting them go. It's the best for them though...who would want me as their girlfriend? I'm fat, have the ugliest feet, the most horrific laugh and don't forget my face. I'm too bashful and quiet as well. God, I'm such a failure.
Until Later,
Holly :/
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Diary Entry #2
Dear Ana,
I fell asleep at 4 in the morning and woke up at 4 in the afternoon which is a very good thing because that means I skipped breakfast and lunch.
Today I'm guesstimating that I had about 600 calories in total which is very good. I had a peach at 5 (cut up and used a knife and fork to eat) with some diet coke (I live off that stuff man).
For dinner, so my mom won't get suspicious, they had Alfredo with chips while I just opted for plain noodles with no chips. I told her I wasn't feeling well and Alfredo makes me sick but she won't buy those excuses for too long.
Tomorrow I am bike riding to Hy-Vee to get bananas and dinner ingredients (which I will eat very little of and make so my mom will assume I snacked on the pizza ingredients while making it). I'll also try to bike up to the library to return my CD's and check out new books (even though I have, like, 10 unread ones at home). So, all in all, that's about an hour of biking (over hills mind you) which is about 530 calories.
I have to finish sorting things for Good Will and doing laundry so I have to go. I'll tell you about the books I get and all that jazz.
Love Always,
Holly :)
I fell asleep at 4 in the morning and woke up at 4 in the afternoon which is a very good thing because that means I skipped breakfast and lunch.
Today I'm guesstimating that I had about 600 calories in total which is very good. I had a peach at 5 (cut up and used a knife and fork to eat) with some diet coke (I live off that stuff man).
For dinner, so my mom won't get suspicious, they had Alfredo with chips while I just opted for plain noodles with no chips. I told her I wasn't feeling well and Alfredo makes me sick but she won't buy those excuses for too long.
Tomorrow I am bike riding to Hy-Vee to get bananas and dinner ingredients (which I will eat very little of and make so my mom will assume I snacked on the pizza ingredients while making it). I'll also try to bike up to the library to return my CD's and check out new books (even though I have, like, 10 unread ones at home). So, all in all, that's about an hour of biking (over hills mind you) which is about 530 calories.
I have to finish sorting things for Good Will and doing laundry so I have to go. I'll tell you about the books I get and all that jazz.
Love Always,
Holly :)
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Diary Entry #1
Dear Ana,
Today I am taking your advice (finally). I am a disgusting, hideous, fat fuck who needs to lose 30 pounds. Tomorrow, I'll only drink water\diet cola and only eat 800 calories. I know, that's a lot of calories but next Tuesday I'll go down to 700 calories and so on till I reach 200 calories (I want to be beautiful not dead). Once I get paper money, I'll get diet pills and all that good stuff. I want to go tomorrow so bad but if I use my credit card my mom will find out. Oh, Ana, this has to work!
It's quite humid out right now but the lovely darkening of the sky makes it cooler. My new friend (a rabbit I named Roger) is hopping about, just as lonely as I am. He isn't repulsed by the sight of me (yet) which is nice.
I wonder what the high school boy in the house behind us looks like. Maybe he's as mental as I am. Maybe he cries to the same songs I do and has met Roger the Rabbit.
I shouldn't be thinking such silly things - wishful thinking leads to heartbreak (something I am all too familiar with).
Well, Ana, the lightning bugs are out and my eyes can't write in the dark. I will tell you about my starving accomplishments tomorrow.
Love Always,
Holly :)
Today I am taking your advice (finally). I am a disgusting, hideous, fat fuck who needs to lose 30 pounds. Tomorrow, I'll only drink water\diet cola and only eat 800 calories. I know, that's a lot of calories but next Tuesday I'll go down to 700 calories and so on till I reach 200 calories (I want to be beautiful not dead). Once I get paper money, I'll get diet pills and all that good stuff. I want to go tomorrow so bad but if I use my credit card my mom will find out. Oh, Ana, this has to work!
It's quite humid out right now but the lovely darkening of the sky makes it cooler. My new friend (a rabbit I named Roger) is hopping about, just as lonely as I am. He isn't repulsed by the sight of me (yet) which is nice.
I wonder what the high school boy in the house behind us looks like. Maybe he's as mental as I am. Maybe he cries to the same songs I do and has met Roger the Rabbit.
I shouldn't be thinking such silly things - wishful thinking leads to heartbreak (something I am all too familiar with).
Well, Ana, the lightning bugs are out and my eyes can't write in the dark. I will tell you about my starving accomplishments tomorrow.
Love Always,
Holly :)
THINGS TO DO IF YOU GET HUNGRY
A list of things I thought of to do instead of eating:
- Listen to dance music and dance your ass off
- Discover new bands and memorize their lyrics (my personal favorites include PTV, SWS, BVB... stuff like that. The screaming helps release anger)
- Brush your teeth
- Paint your nails
- Go on Tumblr (ahem, thinspo)
- Try on clothes that you know won't fit so it makes you more determined to not eat
- Weigh yourself (the number doesn't lie - you're really that fat)
- Circle all of the disgusting fat on your body with black marker
- Try new hair\makeup ideas (YouTube has great tutorials)
- Write (Poems, songs, short stories, fanfiction, lists, etc)
- Read (Libraries are free you know)
- Ride your bike to Walgreens and get Redbox movies (This one is sort of personal because my Walgreens is 2 miles away but any near-by movie store works as well)
- EXERCISE (Helps get rid of fat faster)
- Draw, paint, sketch, weave, sew (Anything crafty that will take your mind off of things)
- Finish watching Skins (Again, personal but any TV show you're interested in works)
- Hang out with friends (Just spending the night doing anything will take your mind off of food)
- Take a walk
- Go to the park
- Read the labels of the foods you crave and Google the ingredients (nasty, right?)
- Play with your pet
- Research places you find interesting\want to visit and discover lovely things about them
- Take a nap
- Play games (Board, video, computer, etc)
- Clean (Your house\room\animal's cage can never be too clean)
- Drink a glass of water
- Watch TV
- Drink diet soda
- Take a vitamin (your body needs nutrients from something)
- Do yoga\polities
- Learn a new language
Introduction
Life has, in a way, always been unkind to me. It sounds selfish, seeming how I have family, friends, money, a house, a job and all of those good-life necessities, but I've always hated myself. Everyday I think of ways to end my life and finally be happy. Happy, what a lie.
Despite being depressed and having anxiety, my biggest "thing" is weight. I've always been the fat girl. It's not even my fault - my mom worked late so we always had fast food for dinner, my babysitter always took me to second dinners at late late night, and having no friends meant making my own through food. I didn't realize I was fat until about 7th grade, when I started junior high. My parents and my siblings were big too so I never felt left out until junior high.
I made friends and had the time of my life despite that. 7th grade was probably the best year of my life. But then drama + friends leaving + feeling not good enough + depression = not very good. My group of friends split up leaving me with one best friend but somehow we are still growing apart every day and it kills me.
So I began to crave attention - any sort of attention. My biggest source has omegle. It made me feel good and beautiful when guys said all of these wonderful things. But in the end they only wanted one thing - sex\boobs\clueless teenage girls. I never fell for it - I'm not that naive.
But compliments and company turned into insults and enemies. Every time I go on there now people get meaner and meaner. I used to be called "Beautiful, pretty, cute, dear, lovely, sweet" but now I'm called "Faggot, fat fuck, bitch, ugly, flat-chested, squinty-eyed, emo". Summer of 2012 is when...things got bad. Everything lead me to believe that I'm not good enough and that it's my appearance - my weight.
I've tried diet and exercise but it never fucking works and I'm sick of it.
I just want to be beautiful.
So here I am with my new lovely friend, Ana.
Hopefully she makes me beautiful.
Maybe then people will love me.
Despite being depressed and having anxiety, my biggest "thing" is weight. I've always been the fat girl. It's not even my fault - my mom worked late so we always had fast food for dinner, my babysitter always took me to second dinners at late late night, and having no friends meant making my own through food. I didn't realize I was fat until about 7th grade, when I started junior high. My parents and my siblings were big too so I never felt left out until junior high.
I made friends and had the time of my life despite that. 7th grade was probably the best year of my life. But then drama + friends leaving + feeling not good enough + depression = not very good. My group of friends split up leaving me with one best friend but somehow we are still growing apart every day and it kills me.
So I began to crave attention - any sort of attention. My biggest source has omegle. It made me feel good and beautiful when guys said all of these wonderful things. But in the end they only wanted one thing - sex\boobs\clueless teenage girls. I never fell for it - I'm not that naive.
But compliments and company turned into insults and enemies. Every time I go on there now people get meaner and meaner. I used to be called "Beautiful, pretty, cute, dear, lovely, sweet" but now I'm called "Faggot, fat fuck, bitch, ugly, flat-chested, squinty-eyed, emo". Summer of 2012 is when...things got bad. Everything lead me to believe that I'm not good enough and that it's my appearance - my weight.
I've tried diet and exercise but it never fucking works and I'm sick of it.
I just want to be beautiful.
So here I am with my new lovely friend, Ana.
Hopefully she makes me beautiful.
Maybe then people will love me.
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