Diary Entry #10

My Dearest Darling Ana,

My pest of a younger step-sister just got home from camp and the tension in the household is back. It was fine with Gabby, I actually like her. She's nice to me and watches Spongebob with me. But Grace is a whole other story.
Today I walked to the library and back and have been really restraining on my food intake. According to MyFitnessPal, I have 1,079 calories left for today. It's only 3:40 so we'll see where the night goes.
I got books on Ana, Mia, and being bipolar - for more research. I also got this healthy cookbook. I was half-tempted to get a clean-eating cookbook but all of that is veggies and sea food (I really hate seafood).
I was enjoying my time alone in the living room and then my step-dad started yelling at Gabby so I'm just gonna hide in my room until my mom gets home.
With my mom working so much I think I can really pull this off, Ana. I'll keep you updated.
(Oh and PS I'm taking my anti-depressants again...fun)

Love,
A Hopeful Holly

Diary Entry #9

Dear Ana,

I self-harmed for the first time today. I took a pair of scissors and slide them across my thigh. It was nice being able to feel something - I just always feel numb.
My "best friend" and I had a fight, my other "best friend" is spending her summer in Missouri with this other girl that she now claims as her "best friend", and my mom is now "pretending" to hate me in front of my step-dad and step-sisters so that she gets on his good side. That whole bullshit of "I love you more than anything else" and "I'll never hate you" is long gone now. Nice one mom.
It's kind of funny. I used to despise my dad but now that he's in therapy and shit he's 2000% nicer and understanding towards me - and only me. I'm the only one he seems to truly care about these days. And even I can't stand it it feels kind of nice to feel loved.
I think I'm going bad again. I know this because when I was really bad, I used to email my best guy friend John and tell him everything (seeming he moved away without saying goodbye and I never got the closure I wanted). I haven't emailed him since April and well yesterday, I sent him a two page long email about my pathetic life. Sometimes it feels like he's reading them wherever he is and understanding my problems - that's the best part about it.
God my leg is still stinging from where I cut. Is this what it's supposed to feel like Ana? Not that I'm complaining but doesn't the stinging eventually go away?
Well, I should go help mommy dearest with dinner and dishes seeming how she's always cranky when she gets home from work and my step-sisters are spoiled and don't have to do anything. Literally, I always have to clean up after them and get blamed for their mistakes. The sooner my step-dad opens his eyes and realizes his children are spoiled, greedy, sneaky, selfish little brats, the sooner I'll start to feel less tense in my own home.

Love Forever and Always,
Holly

Diary Entry #8

Dear Ana,

I guess it's been a few days. Nothing exciting has happened really.

My favorite person in the entire world (Nick Santino) released an EP and I STARTED SCREAMING SO LOUD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

Ahem, but anyway ya.

Janet and I are going to her brother's friend's concert in August. It should be really fun.

Oh, I went to an amusement park yesterday with my dad and step-siblings. It was a lot of fun and I'm so proud of myself because I used Ana methods to cut my meal in half AND I said I would rather walk around than swim at the water park there. Challenge of not putting my fatty self in a swim suit this summer has just gotten so much easier.

I also found out that my older sister was beat up by her now ex-husband in front of their three small children. I almost threw up when I found out. My older sister may hate me but I love her and I love my niece and nephews. As bad as it sounds, she's moving closer to home so a plus side is that I get to spend more time with my babies now.

Well, I'm walking up to Walgreens to get diet pills and band aids (finally). It's an escape from my annoying little step sisters. God, they're annoying.

You know, sometimes I feel almost claustrophobic by staying in this town. I need to breathe,  experience life, find love...and I just can't do it here. Everything about this place brings me painful memories and broken dreams. I can't wait to get out of here. Someday.

Till next time,
Holly :)

Diary Entry #7

Dear Ana,

Another day of self-hatred, another day of crying myself silly over skinny, beautiful girls.
The day went relatively okay. My mom and I went to the pet store to get Hermit Crab supplies and books. We also went to Best Buy where I bought A Flair For The Dramatic and Let's Cheers To This and fangirled with the checkout girl over how amazing those bands were.
We got home and I shaved my legs and all that jazz seeming how I'm going to an amusement park Tuesday. It was good until 9 PM, when I made a box of Spongebob Mac n Cheese and ate All.Of.It. I feel sick; like I should throw it all back up. Plus I didn't take my walk today so I feel like such a failure. Tomorrow, no excuses, I'm waking up at 8 and walking to the library. I'll bring money and water with me and I'll just spend the day there reading, doing crafts, playing on the xbox, etc. I'll work on my entry for the book reading contest. See, it's all perfect. Think about how much smarter I'll be by reading all of those books and biographies! Andd, I'll be too preoccupied to eat. Killing two birds with one stone.

I should get sleepy so that I can wake up and walk.

Wishes For The Better,
Holly

Diary Entry #6

Dear Ana,

My parents are at a local festival and I am sitting by myself at home snackin' on some watermelon. I know I already ate today but I turned down ice cream cake and took a 4 mile walk to I think I deserve it.

I walked to the festival myself actually (trying to get over the whole anxiety thing). However, once I got there, I saw a herd of preps. I can safely say that I turned the opposite direction and called my mom to pick me up (seeming how it got dark out and I'm a teenage girl so ya).

I got my school registration shit today in the mail. I gagged and about threw up. God, I hate school.

Well, I gotta find the remote because Catfish just got over and this new show is stupid.

Stay Lovely,
Holly

Diary Entry #5

Dear Ana,

I had a dream about my crush last night  I guess I really do miss him (my school crush not Jake). I'll take a walk by his house today for closure I guess.

Today is my brother's 16th birthday. Even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm proud of him. I love my brother and I hope these next 3 years of high school will be smooth sailing for him. And I pray to the Lord above that he doesn't decide to join the Army. I'm not discriminating against the Army but he feels as though that's the only thing for him because people have told him countless times that he's not smart enough for anything else. Bullshit. I feel as if I'm the only one who talks to him about other options that he can do and what he actually wants to do after high school. I hope he goes with our options instead my fathers.

 Yesterday I walked about 3 miles to my cousins house and I woke up this morning burnt to a crisp. Damn my Irish genes haha.

Well, my mac n cheese isn't going to cook itself (and don't worry it's just an illusion so my mom doesn't question if I haven't been eating).

Until Tonight,
Holly :)

Diary Entry #4

Dear Ana,

I think my best friends are finally getting sick of me like the last ones...they always do. Pretty soon Lola will run with a different crowd, Sasha and Liz will leave me out, Lexy will move, Paige will get older and me...I'll be stuck in my same pathetic little retinue. I'm so sorry I'm not good enough - I never am. I'm always used, played, having my love stolen and used greedily. Maybe it's best so that way if I kill myself less people will hurt.
Ana, I'm crying while writing this. I'm just so tired of this shit. I can feel them getting sick of me. The way their laughs aren't as real at my jokes, the more silences between us, the less texts... It's happening again and I don't think my heart can take it this time.
I just want one person who can stand me. Who will love me. Who will laugh at my stupid little puns in an awkward situation. Who will watch Spongebob with me and take random walks at 10 at night. Who listens to PTV and Mayday Parade as religiously as I do...

I walked for about 3 hours today so hopefully...

-Holly

Diary Entry #3

Dear Ana,

I did bad eating wise today. I had some eggs and went biking for a while (which probably burned off all of the eggs) but then I came home and my parents decided that we should all go out to eat. My God, it was disgusting, sitting in that restaurant and pretending to be interested in the food. My parents order fried pretzels with fatty cheese as an appetizer and I about threw up. They began questioning why I didn't want any of the pretzels. I panicked and said I felt sick from the bike ride because I rode in the heat, vigorously, without water. They believed me but just to play it safe I ate about 1/4 of my meal I ordered.

All in all, I probably ate about 800 calories today. Tomorrow I'm walking about 2 miles to my cousins house to make a video (she wants to be a director when she grows up and guess who gets to be her actress?) I'll be careful this time and drink plenty of water so I won't binge on animal crackers like I did tonight.

Also, my mom said she's going to pick up my refill of my anti-depressants tomorrow. She's been giving me some of hers but I hide them in my jewelry box and say I take them. I know, I know, they're supposed to make me better! But I feel so fucking crazy when I take them and if I do, I'm afraid you'll go away Ana. You're going to make me better...you're going to make boys love me.

Speaking of boys I found this really amazing one on Tumblr. His name is Jake and he's completely gorgeous!  He has the prettiest eyes and does the cutest faces. My friend, Lola, likes him because he smokes (go figure that's the only reason why she likes him). He likes the same bands as me and he's just so AH! However, he has crushes on other beautiful, awesome people and he can't necessarily date. I'm trying to get over him because I know it'll never happen but damn.

I feel as though I always end up falling in love with guys and letting them go. It's the best for them though...who would want me as their girlfriend? I'm fat, have the ugliest feet, the most horrific laugh and don't forget my face. I'm too bashful and quiet as well. God, I'm such a failure.

Until Later,
Holly :/  

Diary Entry #2

Dear Ana,

I fell asleep at 4 in the morning and woke up at 4 in the afternoon which is a very good thing because that means I skipped breakfast and lunch.
Today I'm guesstimating that I had about 600 calories in total which is very good. I had a peach at 5 (cut up and used a knife and fork to eat) with some diet coke (I live off that stuff man).
For dinner, so my mom won't get suspicious, they had Alfredo with chips while I just opted for plain noodles with no chips. I told her I wasn't feeling well and Alfredo makes me sick but she won't buy those excuses for too long.
Tomorrow I am bike riding to Hy-Vee to get bananas and dinner ingredients (which I will eat very little of and make so my mom will assume I snacked on the pizza ingredients while making it). I'll also try to bike up to the library to return my CD's and check out new books (even though I have, like, 10 unread ones at home). So, all in all, that's about an hour of biking (over hills mind you) which is about 530 calories.

I have to finish sorting things for Good Will and doing laundry so I have to go. I'll tell you about the books I get and all that jazz.

Love Always,
Holly :)

Diary Entry #1

Dear Ana,

Today I am taking your advice (finally). I am a disgusting, hideous, fat fuck who needs to lose 30 pounds. Tomorrow, I'll only drink water\diet cola and only eat 800 calories. I know, that's a lot of calories but next Tuesday I'll go down to 700 calories and so on till I reach 200 calories (I want to be beautiful not dead). Once I get paper money, I'll get diet pills and all that good stuff. I want to go tomorrow so bad but if I use my credit card my mom will find out. Oh, Ana, this has to work!

It's quite humid out right now but the lovely darkening of the sky makes it cooler. My new friend (a rabbit I named Roger) is hopping about, just as lonely as I am. He isn't repulsed by the sight of me (yet) which is nice.
I wonder what the high school boy in the house behind us looks like. Maybe he's as mental as I am. Maybe he cries to the same songs I do and has met Roger the Rabbit.
I shouldn't be thinking such silly things - wishful thinking leads to heartbreak (something I am all too familiar with).

Well, Ana, the lightning bugs are out and my eyes can't write in the dark. I will tell you about my starving accomplishments tomorrow.

Love Always,
Holly :)