Dear Ana,
It's getting to the point where food is disgusting to me - it's so hard to eat. It makes me sick.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Diary Entry #10
My Dearest Darling Ana,
My pest of a younger step-sister just got home from camp and the tension in the household is back. It was fine with Gabby, I actually like her. She's nice to me and watches Spongebob with me. But Grace is a whole other story.
Today I walked to the library and back and have been really restraining on my food intake. According to MyFitnessPal, I have 1,079 calories left for today. It's only 3:40 so we'll see where the night goes.
I got books on Ana, Mia, and being bipolar - for more research. I also got this healthy cookbook. I was half-tempted to get a clean-eating cookbook but all of that is veggies and sea food (I really hate seafood).
I was enjoying my time alone in the living room and then my step-dad started yelling at Gabby so I'm just gonna hide in my room until my mom gets home.
With my mom working so much I think I can really pull this off, Ana. I'll keep you updated.
(Oh and PS I'm taking my anti-depressants again...fun)
Love,
A Hopeful Holly
My pest of a younger step-sister just got home from camp and the tension in the household is back. It was fine with Gabby, I actually like her. She's nice to me and watches Spongebob with me. But Grace is a whole other story.
Today I walked to the library and back and have been really restraining on my food intake. According to MyFitnessPal, I have 1,079 calories left for today. It's only 3:40 so we'll see where the night goes.
I got books on Ana, Mia, and being bipolar - for more research. I also got this healthy cookbook. I was half-tempted to get a clean-eating cookbook but all of that is veggies and sea food (I really hate seafood).
I was enjoying my time alone in the living room and then my step-dad started yelling at Gabby so I'm just gonna hide in my room until my mom gets home.
With my mom working so much I think I can really pull this off, Ana. I'll keep you updated.
(Oh and PS I'm taking my anti-depressants again...fun)
Love,
A Hopeful Holly
Monday, July 8, 2013
Diary Entry #9
Dear Ana,
I self-harmed for the first time today. I took a pair of scissors and slide them across my thigh. It was nice being able to feel something - I just always feel numb.
My "best friend" and I had a fight, my other "best friend" is spending her summer in Missouri with this other girl that she now claims as her "best friend", and my mom is now "pretending" to hate me in front of my step-dad and step-sisters so that she gets on his good side. That whole bullshit of "I love you more than anything else" and "I'll never hate you" is long gone now. Nice one mom.
It's kind of funny. I used to despise my dad but now that he's in therapy and shit he's 2000% nicer and understanding towards me - and only me. I'm the only one he seems to truly care about these days. And even I can't stand it it feels kind of nice to feel loved.
I think I'm going bad again. I know this because when I was really bad, I used to email my best guy friend John and tell him everything (seeming he moved away without saying goodbye and I never got the closure I wanted). I haven't emailed him since April and well yesterday, I sent him a two page long email about my pathetic life. Sometimes it feels like he's reading them wherever he is and understanding my problems - that's the best part about it.
God my leg is still stinging from where I cut. Is this what it's supposed to feel like Ana? Not that I'm complaining but doesn't the stinging eventually go away?
Well, I should go help mommy dearest with dinner and dishes seeming how she's always cranky when she gets home from work and my step-sisters are spoiled and don't have to do anything. Literally, I always have to clean up after them and get blamed for their mistakes. The sooner my step-dad opens his eyes and realizes his children are spoiled, greedy, sneaky, selfish little brats, the sooner I'll start to feel less tense in my own home.
Love Forever and Always,
Holly
I self-harmed for the first time today. I took a pair of scissors and slide them across my thigh. It was nice being able to feel something - I just always feel numb.
My "best friend" and I had a fight, my other "best friend" is spending her summer in Missouri with this other girl that she now claims as her "best friend", and my mom is now "pretending" to hate me in front of my step-dad and step-sisters so that she gets on his good side. That whole bullshit of "I love you more than anything else" and "I'll never hate you" is long gone now. Nice one mom.
It's kind of funny. I used to despise my dad but now that he's in therapy and shit he's 2000% nicer and understanding towards me - and only me. I'm the only one he seems to truly care about these days. And even I can't stand it it feels kind of nice to feel loved.
I think I'm going bad again. I know this because when I was really bad, I used to email my best guy friend John and tell him everything (seeming he moved away without saying goodbye and I never got the closure I wanted). I haven't emailed him since April and well yesterday, I sent him a two page long email about my pathetic life. Sometimes it feels like he's reading them wherever he is and understanding my problems - that's the best part about it.
God my leg is still stinging from where I cut. Is this what it's supposed to feel like Ana? Not that I'm complaining but doesn't the stinging eventually go away?
Well, I should go help mommy dearest with dinner and dishes seeming how she's always cranky when she gets home from work and my step-sisters are spoiled and don't have to do anything. Literally, I always have to clean up after them and get blamed for their mistakes. The sooner my step-dad opens his eyes and realizes his children are spoiled, greedy, sneaky, selfish little brats, the sooner I'll start to feel less tense in my own home.
Love Forever and Always,
Holly
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
I Just Want
I just want to be normal.
I just want to be loved.
I just want to be thin and happy and perfect.
I just want to be loved.
I just want to be thin and happy and perfect.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Diary Entry #8
Dear Ana,
I guess it's been a few days. Nothing exciting has happened really.
My favorite person in the entire world (Nick Santino) released an EP and I STARTED SCREAMING SO LOUD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
Ahem, but anyway ya.
Janet and I are going to her brother's friend's concert in August. It should be really fun.
Oh, I went to an amusement park yesterday with my dad and step-siblings. It was a lot of fun and I'm so proud of myself because I used Ana methods to cut my meal in half AND I said I would rather walk around than swim at the water park there. Challenge of not putting my fatty self in a swim suit this summer has just gotten so much easier.
I also found out that my older sister was beat up by her now ex-husband in front of their three small children. I almost threw up when I found out. My older sister may hate me but I love her and I love my niece and nephews. As bad as it sounds, she's moving closer to home so a plus side is that I get to spend more time with my babies now.
Well, I'm walking up to Walgreens to get diet pills and band aids (finally). It's an escape from my annoying little step sisters. God, they're annoying.
You know, sometimes I feel almost claustrophobic by staying in this town. I need to breathe, experience life, find love...and I just can't do it here. Everything about this place brings me painful memories and broken dreams. I can't wait to get out of here. Someday.
Till next time,
Holly :)
I guess it's been a few days. Nothing exciting has happened really.
My favorite person in the entire world (Nick Santino) released an EP and I STARTED SCREAMING SO LOUD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
Ahem, but anyway ya.
Janet and I are going to her brother's friend's concert in August. It should be really fun.
Oh, I went to an amusement park yesterday with my dad and step-siblings. It was a lot of fun and I'm so proud of myself because I used Ana methods to cut my meal in half AND I said I would rather walk around than swim at the water park there. Challenge of not putting my fatty self in a swim suit this summer has just gotten so much easier.
I also found out that my older sister was beat up by her now ex-husband in front of their three small children. I almost threw up when I found out. My older sister may hate me but I love her and I love my niece and nephews. As bad as it sounds, she's moving closer to home so a plus side is that I get to spend more time with my babies now.
Well, I'm walking up to Walgreens to get diet pills and band aids (finally). It's an escape from my annoying little step sisters. God, they're annoying.
You know, sometimes I feel almost claustrophobic by staying in this town. I need to breathe, experience life, find love...and I just can't do it here. Everything about this place brings me painful memories and broken dreams. I can't wait to get out of here. Someday.
Till next time,
Holly :)
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