Being Bisexual

I'm crying very hard right because I wish I had the courage to come out as bisexual. My dad would probably be alright with it because my sister is bisexual as well (mind you she's 24 and currently married with children to a man but was in a 2 year relationship with a girl and her and the girl are still friends) but my mom and step-dad and entire rest of my maternal family are conservative Catholics and homophobic. My mom always makes jokes about the lesbian girl across the street from us (I am friends with her keep that in mind), calling her "the lesbian" and commenting on her short hair and clothing choices. I keep reminding her and my step-dad that she has a name and shouldn't be called "the lesbian" but every time I do they make fun of me for sticking up for her.

Basically, when I was about seven, I had this neighborhood best friend (who was a girl). Up until then I wasn't intrigued about sex or anything but one day we "experimented" and then I became very confused. My interest peeked in sex and the woman body in general. I would look through my babysitter's husbands Playboy magazines and be just fascinated. I even went to the extremes of going on the Playboy website and watching the Girls Gone Wild shows on TV. I got caught, however, and my mom was furious. I was scared - so scared - so I told her that I wanted to know more about the Girls Next Door TV show (because we would always watch it). She found that answer reasonable and we moved on.

But then my older half-sister started dating this girl. I was astounded - girls can date and kiss girls? They seemed so happy together and were loving towards each other. It got my wheels turning in my head. If my older sister can like girls like that then why can't I?

From then on, I declared myself bisexual. I like boys and girls (manly boys, naturally, but girls spark my interest here and there). I have never told anybody. Past best friends have egged me on, trying to get me to spill. But high school friendships don't last long, I'm not stupid, so I don't tell. You people (whoever see this post) are the only ones in the entire world who know. So, please don't judge me...I just want to be accepted.

Update

Dear Ana,

It's getting to the point where food is disgusting to me - it's so hard to eat. It makes me sick.

Diary Entry #10

My Dearest Darling Ana,

My pest of a younger step-sister just got home from camp and the tension in the household is back. It was fine with Gabby, I actually like her. She's nice to me and watches Spongebob with me. But Grace is a whole other story.
Today I walked to the library and back and have been really restraining on my food intake. According to MyFitnessPal, I have 1,079 calories left for today. It's only 3:40 so we'll see where the night goes.
I got books on Ana, Mia, and being bipolar - for more research. I also got this healthy cookbook. I was half-tempted to get a clean-eating cookbook but all of that is veggies and sea food (I really hate seafood).
I was enjoying my time alone in the living room and then my step-dad started yelling at Gabby so I'm just gonna hide in my room until my mom gets home.
With my mom working so much I think I can really pull this off, Ana. I'll keep you updated.
(Oh and PS I'm taking my anti-depressants again...fun)

Love,
A Hopeful Holly

Diary Entry #9

Dear Ana,

I self-harmed for the first time today. I took a pair of scissors and slide them across my thigh. It was nice being able to feel something - I just always feel numb.
My "best friend" and I had a fight, my other "best friend" is spending her summer in Missouri with this other girl that she now claims as her "best friend", and my mom is now "pretending" to hate me in front of my step-dad and step-sisters so that she gets on his good side. That whole bullshit of "I love you more than anything else" and "I'll never hate you" is long gone now. Nice one mom.
It's kind of funny. I used to despise my dad but now that he's in therapy and shit he's 2000% nicer and understanding towards me - and only me. I'm the only one he seems to truly care about these days. And even I can't stand it it feels kind of nice to feel loved.
I think I'm going bad again. I know this because when I was really bad, I used to email my best guy friend John and tell him everything (seeming he moved away without saying goodbye and I never got the closure I wanted). I haven't emailed him since April and well yesterday, I sent him a two page long email about my pathetic life. Sometimes it feels like he's reading them wherever he is and understanding my problems - that's the best part about it.
God my leg is still stinging from where I cut. Is this what it's supposed to feel like Ana? Not that I'm complaining but doesn't the stinging eventually go away?
Well, I should go help mommy dearest with dinner and dishes seeming how she's always cranky when she gets home from work and my step-sisters are spoiled and don't have to do anything. Literally, I always have to clean up after them and get blamed for their mistakes. The sooner my step-dad opens his eyes and realizes his children are spoiled, greedy, sneaky, selfish little brats, the sooner I'll start to feel less tense in my own home.

Love Forever and Always,
Holly

1D + OD #TOGETHER

1D + OD #TOGETHER

Help me win this One Direction prize thingy and stand up for bullying!

I Just Want

I just want to be normal.
I just want to be loved.
I just want to be thin and happy and perfect.

Reason #2 To Be Skinny

James will regret ever treating me like a joke