Diary Entry #9

Dear Ana,

I self-harmed for the first time today. I took a pair of scissors and slide them across my thigh. It was nice being able to feel something - I just always feel numb.
My "best friend" and I had a fight, my other "best friend" is spending her summer in Missouri with this other girl that she now claims as her "best friend", and my mom is now "pretending" to hate me in front of my step-dad and step-sisters so that she gets on his good side. That whole bullshit of "I love you more than anything else" and "I'll never hate you" is long gone now. Nice one mom.
It's kind of funny. I used to despise my dad but now that he's in therapy and shit he's 2000% nicer and understanding towards me - and only me. I'm the only one he seems to truly care about these days. And even I can't stand it it feels kind of nice to feel loved.
I think I'm going bad again. I know this because when I was really bad, I used to email my best guy friend John and tell him everything (seeming he moved away without saying goodbye and I never got the closure I wanted). I haven't emailed him since April and well yesterday, I sent him a two page long email about my pathetic life. Sometimes it feels like he's reading them wherever he is and understanding my problems - that's the best part about it.
God my leg is still stinging from where I cut. Is this what it's supposed to feel like Ana? Not that I'm complaining but doesn't the stinging eventually go away?
Well, I should go help mommy dearest with dinner and dishes seeming how she's always cranky when she gets home from work and my step-sisters are spoiled and don't have to do anything. Literally, I always have to clean up after them and get blamed for their mistakes. The sooner my step-dad opens his eyes and realizes his children are spoiled, greedy, sneaky, selfish little brats, the sooner I'll start to feel less tense in my own home.

Love Forever and Always,
Holly